Building Bridges Through Disagreement: Leadership Lessons from Conflict Resilience

Conflict is a constant in government leadership. Whether it’s navigating interagency disputes, negotiating with stakeholders, or managing polarized teams, public sector executives face disagreements that test their resolve and influence. Too often, these conflicts escalate into standoffs or are avoided altogether, leaving underlying issues unresolved and relationships strained. But what if conflict could be a catalyst for connection rather than division? In their new book, Conflict Resilience: Negotiating Disagreement Without Giving Up or Giving In, Bob Bordone, a negotiation expert and former Harvard Law School professor, and Dr. Joel Salinas, a Harvard-trained neurologist, offer a transformative approach to this challenge. They argue that conflict resilience—a blend of mindset and skillset—enables leaders to sit with disagreement, grow from it, and forge stronger bonds without surrendering their principles or forcing premature solutions.

I recently had the privilege of interviewing Bordone and Salinas on The Business of Government Hour, where we explored the origins of their collaboration, the science and strategy behind conflict resilience, and its practical applications for leaders. Their insights, grounded in negotiation expertise and neuroscience, can equip leaders to navigate uncertainty and conflict with confidence in the high-stakes, pluralistic realm of government.

In this post, I’ll unpack the key themes from our conversation, distill leadership lessons from their book, and provide recommendations for how government executives can apply these tools to lead more effectively through conflict.

Key Themes from Conflict Resilience

1. Reframing Conflict as Opportunity A central premise of the book is that conflict isn’t inherently negative. As Bordone noted during our interview, “The biggest [misconception] is that conflict is bad, conflict is to be avoided… if there’s conflict, it means something has gone wrong.” He and Salinas challenge this view, suggesting that conflict is a natural byproduct of diversity—whether in perspectives, priorities, or values—and a gateway to creativity and learning. Salinas reinforced this, saying, “Without conflict, there is no connection… It’s just so critical to the human experience.” For government leaders, this reframing is a game-changer: rather than seeing disagreement as a failure, they can harness it as a tool for innovation and collaboration.
2. The Neuroscience of Resilience Salinas brought a neurological lens to the discussion, explaining how our brains often perceive conflict as a threat, triggering the “5 Fs”—fight, flight, freeze, fawn, or fester. “If our brains have developed a reflex… it ends up being a very myopic way of managing the conflict up front and doesn’t really serve us very well,” he said. This biological wiring can derail even the best intentions, but awareness and regulation can shift the response. By understanding these instincts, leaders can interrupt reactive cycles and approach conflict with clarity and purpose.
3. Conflict Resilience vs. Resolution Unlike traditional conflict resolution, which seeks quick solutions, conflict resilience prioritizes presence over closure. Bordone defined it as “having both the capacity or mindset for sitting in the discomfort with the other person… and finding ways to… communicate our view, but also… open ourselves up to perspective-taking.” He emphasized that this foundational capacity is “prerequisite” to effective resolution, preventing “demonization” and “dehumanization” even when common ground isn’t found. In government, where consensus can be elusive, this approach preserves relationships and keeps dialogue alive.
4. The Name, Explore, Commit Framework The authors introduced a practical three-step process:
   1. Name: Identify your internal reactions and the conflict’s emotional roots. Bordone described this as “self-diagnosis… giving voice and life to the different stories you may have.”
   2. Explore: Engage authentically with others, cultivating curiosity to understand their perspective. Salinas tied this to “deep listening,” a skill that goes beyond parroting to nonjudgmental, attentive comprehension.
   3. Commit: Decide how to move forward—whether to agree, stay engaged, or exit—while fostering an environment that supports resilience.Bordone highlighted its organizational application: “How can you commit to creating an organizational environment that makes it easier for people to be conflict resilient?” This framework offers a roadmap for navigating disagreement without collapsing or avoiding it.
5. Conflict Tolerance as a Leadership Muscle Salinas introduced the concept of conflict tolerance, split into “conflict recognition” (how readily you label something as conflict) and “conflict holding” (your ability to sit with it). He shared a personal example: “I generally have a pretty low threshold for calling something as conflict, but I can also have a very high tolerance to conflict.” Understanding these dynamics helps leaders assess their own limits and adapt to others’, especially in high-pressure government settings.

Leadership Insights for Government Executives

Our conversation revealed several insights tailored to the public sector:

• Conflict is Inevitable, Resilience is a Choice Bordone’s observation that “we need [conflict resilience] more than ever… so we’re not making caricatures of each other” speaks to today’s somewhat polarized situation. Government leaders can’t eliminate disagreement, but they can choose to engage it constructively, turning tension into progress.
• Self-Awareness Drives Effectiveness Salinas stressed that “if you don’t have the ability to manage your own internal state… you can have all the skills and techniques and scripts, [but] they really just won’t land as well.” For executives facing congressional hearings or public scrutiny, mastering their emotional responses is as strategic as any policy decision.
• Modeling Vulnerability Builds Trust Bordone’s advice to leaders—“giving voice to your own “conflictedness” at times and then inviting folks to comment or react”—offers a powerful way to humanize leadership. In a crisis like COVID, as he recounted, executives who admitted uncertainty while seeking input fostered collaboration over confusion.
• Culture Shapes Outcomes Both authors emphasized that resilience thrives in supportive environments. Bordone likened it to a greenhouse: “You may have some amazing genetically modified seed… but if you put it in the soil in February… it ain’t gonna grow.” Government leaders must cultivate climates where disagreement is safe and productive.

Insights for Government Executives

Drawing from the interview and book, here are actionable steps for leaders:

1. Apply the Name, Explore, Commit Framework in Policy Disputes When tackling contentious issues—like budget cuts or regulatory changes—start by naming your internal conflicts (e.g., “I want consensus, but I fear pushback”). Explore by asking stakeholders, “What frustrates you most about this?” as Salinas suggested, and commit to a path forward, even if it’s ongoing dialogue rather than resolution. This keeps negotiations grounded and constructive.
2. Build Awareness with Cyclic Sighing Salinas shared a neuroscience-backed tool: cyclic sighing. “You take in a deep breath… one little extra inhale through your nose, and then… a long slow exhale out through your mouth.” This calms the nervous system, lowering heart rate and blood pressure. Use it before high-stakes meetings—say, a tense interagency briefing—to stay composed and present.
3. Foster Deep Listening in Teams Encourage “deep listening,” which Salinas defined as being “nonjudgmental… attentive… [and reflecting] comprehension.” In staff meetings, model this by restating concerns—“It sounds like you’re worried about resource allocation; what’s driving that?”—to uncover insights and build trust.
4. Assess and Adapt to Conflict Tolerance Reflect on your own conflict tolerance, as Salinas and Bordone did. Do you see minor disagreements as threats, or can you hold steady in a standoff? Gauge your team’s thresholds too, adjusting your approach—perhaps slowing down with those who “fold quickly,” as Bordone described himself, to keep them engaged.
5. Lead by Example in Crisis In crises, emulate Bordone’s COVID-era coaching example: name your uncertainty openly. Say, “I know we need direction, but I don’t have all the answers—here’s what I’m wrestling with; what do you think?” This invites input and signals that resilience, not perfection, is the goal.
6. Create a Conflict-Resilient Culture Build what Bordone called a “low-risk space” for dialogue, as Salinas did with his startup team. In government, this might mean regular forums where staff can voice dissent without fear, paired with training on tools like “be raggedy”—speaking imperfectly but authentically, as Bordone learned from Seeds of Peace.

Conclusion: Leading with Courage and Connection

Conflict Resilience isn’t about erasing disagreement—it’s about embracing it as a leadership superpower. As Bordone boldly stated, “Conflict resilience… is an absolutely indispensable leadership skill… you cannot be an effective leader in a pluralistic and diverse work environment without [it].” Salinas echoed this, hoping readers gain “a new perspective about conflict” and the awareness to navigate it skillfully. For government executives, this means turning tense budget battles into collaborative breakthroughs, contentious policy debates into trust-building dialogues, and team friction into innovation.

The book and our interview underscore a truth: resilience starts within. By naming their own discomfort, exploring others’ views with curiosity, and committing to constructive paths, leaders can transform conflict from a liability into an asset. In a government landscape marked by complexity and division, Conflict Resilience offers not just tools, but a mindset to lead with courage, connection, and impact. As Salinas put it, “Awareness is more than half the battle”—and for public sector leaders, it’s a battle worth fighting.